A Family or Bust

I sometimes think that I am ready to start a family. I see commercials on TV with kids running off to school, eating Toaster Strudel or carrying supplies fresh from Wal-Mart, and I think 'that could be me.' I could be that Mom, still attractive and smiling as her kids catch the bus. I've had these thoughts before. But they were more feelings than thoughts. They were the feelings that a woman gets when, for a split second, her maternal instinct makes its way from deep down inside her and into her brain. Only now they're not feelings, they are thoughts. Still, I have to evaluate where these thoughts are coming from. Do they come from the place inside me that wishes Rick and I could move beyond the place we are right now? That tug in my heart that says 'OK, it's been a slice, but what's next?' If that's the case then maybe I don't really want kids, maybe I just want to move to the next level and the marriage fantasy is so played out by now my subconscious has moved onto kids.

It's like I'm living out that path I wish our relationship would take in my mind. It started with the proposal, but he managed to take all the magic out of that - what almost two years ago? Then it was the wedding. I played that over and over again in my head so many times that I've actually begun to forget what I want it to be like. People ask me what my colors are or what it will be like because "we know you have it all planned out." And you know what? I can't answer them anymore. I know I had it all planned out at some point, but I'm pass that now. To me we've gone to Hawaii for our Honeymoon - or was it Puerto Vallarta? We've come home back to the condo, but within a year or so we've found a nice house in the area - either Berwyn or Forest Park. Once we get the house I can get pregnant. I could never imagine having a child in this place.

Now I'm stuck on the pregnancy. I imagine myself as my mother, in those pictures I see of her from when she was pregnant with me. I imagine it being warm, maybe summer. I'm sitting on the couch, arms and legs splayed across the cushions and since I'm the last one of the 'siblings' to have a baby everyone thinks I'm so cute. Then there are block parties and birthdays. Camping trips and graduations where for the first time in my life, it's not about me. Forget about it. By time Rick finally marries me I'll have taken us clear through retirement.

An Emotional Creature

Sometimes when something bothers me deep down inside and I can't get it off of my mind its my inner sanctum, or God, telling me that something isn't right. But only SOMEtimes. Therefore, my life becomes a daily struggle of trying to decide when to put my emotions in check or when listen to that little voice in my heart that says take action.

When it comes to a relationship this process is exhausting. Any relationship, but especially one of the domestic persuasion. Should I be mad when Rick goes to the Cubs game instead of spending time with me? Whether I should or not it does make me mad. It made me mad because we had a busy weekend in which we barely got to enjoy each others company, the night before we'd gone to the U2 concert (the tickets a birthday present from me), and I figured we could top it off with a Monday night spent together. Plus, I called in sick to work so I was home waiting for him. Is that selfish? Is it selfish for me to be mad about this. Shouldn't I just let him enjoy himself? But shouldn't, when in a serious relationship, I get some sort of notice that he's going to go have fun without me? I want to go to the Cubs game! I said that to him then I realized I was whining.

What is this feeling? This feeling of boredom and loneliness that I get when he's out and I'm stuck at home. When I'm not tired, not hungry, and have nothing else to do. Is that just it? That I have nothing else to do or is that I'm genuinely hurt that he's having fun and didn't give me proper notice that he would be? I was never able to answer that question so I did what I always do when I can't put my feelings into perspective: I ask him how he would feel.

He says he'd be mad if I did the same thing; called him only hours before the game to say I was going with friends while he was at home thinking we'd spend the evening together. It was then that I realized that I wasn't exactly mad. I was...disappointed. It disappointed me to know that we wouldn't be spending time together and that he didn't let me know that earlier (not that he could...his friend got tickets at the last minute). He says, "no I'd be mad". So I still don't have my answer. But at least now I know that it's not anger, it's disappointment. And disappointment doesn't have to be checked. It can heal on it's own.

I thought Mexicans didn't let their wives work?

If there's any one word that people who know me will use to describe me it's "judgemental". I totally disagree, but it's the sad truth. The people closest to me find me to be stuck up, harsh, and stereotyping. I do steretype sometimes, but only because most times it's true. I probably just put the nail in the coffin on tha tone. Ok so what I'm judgemental.

So there's two stereotypes most people have about Mexicans (man or woman): they're hard working, willing to do work that most spoiled Americans will not for wages that would cause our mouths to drop. Even the poorest of Americans would rather stand in line and collect a check (well they're cards now) than clean the crap out of a hotel's toilets or scrub dishes at minimum wage. The second stereotypical thing we think about Mexican men is that their women are at home, barefoot and pregnant busy raising a tribe full of kids. Does this sound bad to you? Well too bad because you know you've thought it before.

Never have I sought a man for the things or life that I thought he could give me. When I fell in love with Rick I was just out of college, starting a lucrative career in corporate America. I had high hopes of going far and even returning to school for my Masters within the year. Three years later I'm trudging into work everyday and in over my head in GMAT textbooks. To top it all off Rick and I have been together all 3 of these years and I am neither married, pregnant, nor barefoot. Three things I really wouldn't mind being right now. So how is it that I managed to get the most acculturated, self-absorbed Mexican man in Chicago. If you ask him, HE'D rather stay home and let me bring home the bacon!

That's not the stereotype I know at all!! The worse part is that he makes damn good money. If he would just pick up a side job, like all Mexicanos do we'd be set. I could stay home, sleep til noon, go to the gym, post these stupid blogs, cook a big dinner, and be completely content. A woman who says she needs a career to be happy needs to find a hobby and a man because I havea enough stuff to do in the day without adding work to the list.

Hey if I get bored maybe I'll start a business, do what I really like, but all the time not have to be worried about paying bills. Who knows maybe the business would take off. That tends to happen when you do something you enjoy, right? I would start bringing in money and then wah-lah I'd really be content. Isn't that all I really want though? The courage to stop worrying about the bills and actually follow my dreams. Do I really need Rick to get a second job and fulfill my Mexicano stereotype in order for me to be happy? Well, that gotta pretty deep, pretty quick now didn't it.