An Emotional Creature

Sometimes when something bothers me deep down inside and I can't get it off of my mind its my inner sanctum, or God, telling me that something isn't right. But only SOMEtimes. Therefore, my life becomes a daily struggle of trying to decide when to put my emotions in check or when listen to that little voice in my heart that says take action.

When it comes to a relationship this process is exhausting. Any relationship, but especially one of the domestic persuasion. Should I be mad when Rick goes to the Cubs game instead of spending time with me? Whether I should or not it does make me mad. It made me mad because we had a busy weekend in which we barely got to enjoy each others company, the night before we'd gone to the U2 concert (the tickets a birthday present from me), and I figured we could top it off with a Monday night spent together. Plus, I called in sick to work so I was home waiting for him. Is that selfish? Is it selfish for me to be mad about this. Shouldn't I just let him enjoy himself? But shouldn't, when in a serious relationship, I get some sort of notice that he's going to go have fun without me? I want to go to the Cubs game! I said that to him then I realized I was whining.

What is this feeling? This feeling of boredom and loneliness that I get when he's out and I'm stuck at home. When I'm not tired, not hungry, and have nothing else to do. Is that just it? That I have nothing else to do or is that I'm genuinely hurt that he's having fun and didn't give me proper notice that he would be? I was never able to answer that question so I did what I always do when I can't put my feelings into perspective: I ask him how he would feel.

He says he'd be mad if I did the same thing; called him only hours before the game to say I was going with friends while he was at home thinking we'd spend the evening together. It was then that I realized that I wasn't exactly mad. I was...disappointed. It disappointed me to know that we wouldn't be spending time together and that he didn't let me know that earlier (not that he could...his friend got tickets at the last minute). He says, "no I'd be mad". So I still don't have my answer. But at least now I know that it's not anger, it's disappointment. And disappointment doesn't have to be checked. It can heal on it's own.